ARE YOU UNBREAKABLE?
I may be the only person who watched the torture scene in Casino Royale and thought: “Too bad Bond didn’t study iron crotch kungfu.” Sure James manages to turn his screams of pain into bitter laugher as the pervy villain, Le Chiffre, tenderizes his private parts with a carpet-beater. But that was real fear in Daniel Craig’s eyes, and according to his own account he wasn’t acting.
In contrast an iron crotch master would have shrugged his shoulders and rolled his eyes after each whacking. I know because I once had the dubious honor of repeatedly kicking Shaolin’s iron crotch expert in the groin.
The year was 1993, and the Shaolin martial monks were putting on a show-stopping performance for a group of V.I.P. Beijing Party officials and their German diplomatic guests. Into the performance hall walked this monk who I’d never seen before. Using rudimentary hand gestures he made it clear that he was inviting audience members to kick him in the groin. An awkward silence descended as it became clear no one dared.
At this moment I made the mistake of looking over at Monk Deqing, who was my kungfu instructor. He made it clear with a fierce stare and a sharp chop of his hand that I had better get my skinny white ass on stage and start kicking away or there would be hell to pay the next day in class.
So with reddened cheeks I walked up to the iron crotch master, who put his hands on his hips, spread his legs, and gave me a level stare. Half-heartedly I snapped a weak right front kick into his crotch. He didn’t move or flinch but a slight smirk turned the corners of his mouth.
“He’s laughing at me,” I thought. And more than a little annoyed I let him have it. Eight full blasts to his groin. At the time I had a reasonably strong right front kick and each one of them lifted him six inches off the ground. Around the sixth kick, I felt a sharp pain on the top of my foot and realized I’d bruised it on his privates. And not for a moment was I able to wipe that damn smirk off his face.
I went on to have other odd adventures with Shaolin’s iron crotch master. I wouldn’t want to spoil them for you here. But thanks to the copyright infringing magic of youtube.com you, dear reader, can watch this same monk from whom I tried and failed to elicit a reaction in action.